pouring out my heart..once again.

have you ever had that one person in your life that
you just really can't stand?
maybe they did something to physically hurt you..
or emotionally.
or maybe they hurt someone you love,
or just flat out changed your life in all the wrong ways.
I have that one person..
that one person that has done all of these things.
now obviously, i'm one that likes to get my feelings out in writing
rather than face-to-face,
so i decided to write to this person.
this person that used to be known to me as daddy.
While you read, play this song..parts of it go along well with my story.

do you remember back when i was three?

when we first met and you were as nice as you could be.

you treated me like precious treasure,

like something you never wanted to lose,

like i was the only little girl in the world.

the day in april when you married my mom

and i was the scared little flower girl that had

to have her grandma walk down the isle with her.

but you didn't care, because

i "was the best flower girl you'd ever seen."

when we moved to a house that i thought i hated

until the day we had to leave.

the house in which so many memories were made.

we played with the dogs in the back yard

and you played basketball with me almost every day.

you got me a trampoline and a swingset and

we played for hours.

we made a garden in the back yard for mom

and had vegetables all summer.

remember when you went with me on my class trip

to the zoo in 2nd grade and bought me a stuffed polar bear?

when mom and i got you the bird.

every day i would run to hug you when you got home from work.

i remember every detail.

even the ones that you have most likely forgotten about..

or tried to forget about.

everything that changed my life, and the person that i am.

back then i was a curly headed girl with big brown eyes

full of love for you

full of wonder

and full of dreams.

now, you've basically fallen off the edge of my planet..

you've lied to me

you've hurt me

you've blamed me

but most of all, you changed me.

i actually want to thank you

for putting me through everything you have.

without it, i wouldn't be as strong as i am

i wouldn't be as close to my family

i wouldn't know my father 

and i wouldn't be this happy.

so, thanks for showing me how a family is supposed to be.

thanks for showing me the way i don't want to live when i'm your age.

thanks for it all.

"round in circles"

The past couple of months have been extremely busy for me.
lately, i find myself running around doing this and that, cheering, and going places with friends and family and finding less and less time to just sit down, relax, and sit back and enjoy the things that God gives me.
from 6:30 to 7:20 the past two wednesdays and the hour that i'm at church on sundays have basically been the only times i've been able to sit down and listen to the amazing words and wonders of the Lord...and that's not enough.
also, being the stubborn procrastinator that i am, i have chem logs due on wednesday, of which i still havaen't finished the first question..
the cheer team is leaving for florida for nationals on thursday..
along with everything else that i have to worry about.
but, this week, i'm dedicating at least 10 minutes of myself every single day, with absolutely no distractions to God.


this is one of my favorite songs by probably the bset (and most attractive) christian bands ever.
it's called circles and i think it relates to me perfectly.

Ready set go
This is take 37, let it roll
I'm gonna get it right this time
Gonna fight this time
This time I'm for real
Look at me go
I'm off flying straight as an arrow
Then I feel the wind blow in, gravity sets in
And I don't know how to deal
I always start so strong

Before you even know it
I'm right back at the start
Doing what I hate
And breaking my own heart
I'm going back and forth
And then forth and then back
And then round in circles
I was never meant to travel on my own
So no matter what I try if I'm trying alone
I'm going back and forth
And then forth and then back
And then round in circles
Round in circles
Round in circles

Here's what I know
Direction goes out the window
The second that I hear Your word
I forget what I heard and go on just the same
(Go on just the same)
The beautiful part: it doesn't have to be this hard
I'm just deceiving myself I know I need Your help
Something's got to change
I know I need a change because

Before you even know it
I'm right back at the start
Doing what I hate
And breaking my own heart
I'm going back and forth
And then forth and then back
And then round in circles
I was never meant to travel on my own
So no matter what I try if I'm trying alone
I'm going back and forth
And then forth and then back
And then round in circles

No more insanity
I'm letting go of me
All this independence has made me dizzy
And now I can't see where I'm supposed to be
I had my turn and now my lesson's learned
I touched the fire and I got burned
I need Your healing touch
I've had enough
I'm tired of saying

Before you even know it
I'm right back at the start
(Tired of saying)
Doing what I hate
And breaking my own heart
I'm going back and forth
(Back and forth)
And then forth and then back
(Forth and back)
And then round in circles
(Round in circles)
I was never meant to travel on my own
(Not on my own)
So no matter what I try if I'm trying alone
(Trying alone)
I'm going back and forth
And then forth and then back
And then round in circles
(Round in circles)

Back and forth and
Forth and back and
Round in circles

Back and forth and
Forth and back and
Round in circles

encouragement

so, lately i have become obsessed with pinterest.
i love love love it and everything on it

in the past few days..maybe weeks..i feel like i have needed a little encouragement.
so this post is mostly for me,
but if you just maybe need some words of encouragement as well..
this is for you too.

credit

credit

credit

credit

and that's all for tonight.

more to come later.

i recommend visiting pinterest

it's a great way to waste time when you get bored.





this is for you.

we didn't "fall apart."
trust me, we didn't.
if you think we did, maybe you should think about why that happened?
words are hardly spoken anymore because whenever i try, i get ignored.
i never get mad, and i never ignore you.
and i don't expect you to come "chasing after me"
because i'm not the one that forgot about you or left you in the first place.
i love you too, but hey, i guess "friends fall apart."
i hope you can realize what REALLY happened.


sorry,
i had to vent somehow.

what I love about the holidays

oh hey.
as you can tell, i haven't blogged in 2 months.
but, i had good reasons...one of which happened the be that my internet was down.

unfortunately, i have no pictures to show how wonderful my holidays were this year.

i spent an amazing thanksgiving with my family, which started at 7:30 that wednesday night at my church's annual thanksgiving eve lovefeast.
on thanksgiving day, i spent my day with 20 family members and an enormous brunch.
then, it was off to the beach with my aunts and uncles for our annual black friday midnight shopping at the outlets.
december flew by and it was time to deal with the stress of exams.
even though i only had to take 2, and only 1 of them counted for a grade, they were stress in themselves.
but, for the first time ever, i had a 3-week-long Christmas break.
and a busy one it was.
christmas eve is always my favorite.
it starts at 10am at my grandma's with all of our family. this year was a little different. my cousin, his wife and their one-year-old son came home from Connecticut for christmas. my brother, his wife and their three kids came, and we had kami for her first real christmas.
you would think that with there being almost 30 people in one house, it would be a little overwhelming and frustrating, but for me it was the complete opposite.
i love my family more than anything in the world and spending time with them is my favorite thing to do...especially over the holidays.
later that night, we had our christmas eve lovefeast at church.
in case you don't know the traditions of moravian churches, a lovefeast is a church service when moravian coffee and buns are served. christmas eve is special though. at the end, everyone gets a candle and with all the lights out, raises them up. and since i'm a deiner for the lovefeast, i have the pleasure of standing at the front of the sanctuary and seeing everyone's candles raises in the air, illuminating the entire room. it is one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen and it is literally what i look forward to all year.
on christmas, after getting up early and opening presents with my parents and kami, i spend all day with my amazing boyfriend and what i like to call my "second family." we had breakfast at his grandparent's and exchanged gifts with all of his cousins. that night, we went to yet another lovefeast, this one being up in the mountains at willow hill. this was also a beautiful service.

i have written way too much on this one post, so i'm going to stop now
but first, i want to say
i hope everyone had a very merry and blessed christmas.
i hope you kept in mind the real reason for the season
and i hope your holidays were as wonderful as mine.